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| Family is a beautiful gift.
This week I went to Colombia for the first time to bury my grandma. I wish circumstances had been different but oh well.
Anyway, I realized that family is so important and I love the concept of family. It made me feel so loved, yet so lonely. Its weird. Like I love my family to death, however, there is this primal urge in me to start my own. I feel that I have all the tools necessary to start a family, I just haven't found anyone to start one with.
My brother has a kid, my nephew Michael. He is the cutest little kid ever. He's annoying sometimes, he's fussy, but I love him so much. This kid was born to my brother who is irresponsible, arrogant, and hates the mother with a passion. Yet this child is being raised in this crazy family. He does not have the tools, yet he gets to experience the joys and frustrations of fatherhood.
I imagine my situation, I could have a kid right now and raise him or her well, teaching them morals values etc. I could make it work with just about any girl, I'm very good at conflict managment and I could grit my teeth for the sake of kids. Not that I want that, but I'm just saying.
I'm not old by any means, but my "life plan" as a kid didn't go this far. By 25 I was suppose to be "an adult" with a family and kids. However, I'm 25, working part time, living with parents, and not at all how it was "suppose" to be. Yet as I look around, I also realized that I have to make it happen in some ways. My family in Colombia, almost all of them have gone through at least one marriage, yet they are happy.
They all made mistakes, they all got married, divorced, remarried, but none of them regret it. I've been way to safe. I take risks when it comes to my faith, I take risks when it comes to work, and I take risks in just about every other aspect of my life, but where I fail to take risks is when it comes to women. Maybe I'm my own hurdle.
Maybe, I got to stop waiting for God to provide and go after it myself. But then, its been almost 2 years since I was sprung on a girl. Even that time, it didn't last so I'm not sure what to look for. I was made aware of this by the story of one of my aunts...
Her husband was married when they first met. She was at a party and her friend introduced them. My uncle at the time, claims he fell in love instantly. He told me that for my aunt, he left his wife and kids behind to pursue my aunt. The ex-wife had money, her dad bought them a house for their wedding, and gave my uncle a car, but in the divorce he gave it all up and doesn't regret it. He still talks to his kids and they have reconciled, but he says love made him do some stupid things.
I want that, I want to fall in love that hard. Like I want to be able to say to my wife, remember when we first met, I fell so hard for you I did XY and Z. Well I hope to have a great wife story, great kid stories, and a great family, but for now, I just got to deal with my loneliness and make the most of my friendships...guess that's enough, but just being around so much family, made me want one is all I'm saying...
Is it just me? Or is that like something a lot of you all feel as we age? Just curious.
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| I'm tired of not being tired when I'm suppose to be.
I'm tired of not being in shape.
I'm tired of being disappointed by life.
I'm tired of job hunting when it seems to be the only stable thing in my life...i'm constantly looking.
I'm tired of holding off on my dreams
I'm tired of working on me
I'm tired of the heat
I'm tired of being a complainer (ironic huh).
I'm tired of lots of things...yet i'm not tired.
Oh and I'm tired of cops giving tickets to innocent people ( I got a speeding ticket today, the day I was laid off...life's a bitch sometimes). Not to mention I'm going to have to use my birthday money to pay it off. :(
Since I have an endless list of things I don't like, maybe at 2:25AM I'll make a list of all the things I'm grateful for. (I'm sure with all the energy exuded to search my memories for things I am grateful for I will tire me self out.).
I'm thankful for... living in America? (sometimes)
I'm thankful for...my education (sometimes ignorance is bliss though).
I'm thankful for my family being on vacation and away from me.
I'm thankful for my ability to disconnect from being hurt to the point where nothing bothers me.
I'm thankful for another year of life, though I have no plans to celebrate it.
I'm thankful for music which allows me to be somewhere else.
I'm thankful that Jesus' life sucked too...I'm not alone.
I'm thankful I'm not from the suburbs and that pain is not foreign to me.
I'm thankful that I have a laptop that distracts me from reality.
As the GEICO lizard would say "wait a tick, we've been duped" Yes, my thankful list is also my passive agressive way of complaining with the "christian" labels on it. Isn't it a pretty piece of work? But you know we all do it. We put Christian words on heathen bull crap and try to disguise shit for sacrifice. haha oh silly silly humans. I think I'm begining to see the "wisdom" Solomon captures in his proverbs. All things are vanity under the sun.
We can try to "convince" God of our christian hearts, but he sees it all. Also, we can try to run away with our sin, but in the end we will all be held accountable. So it's vain to try to run, it's also vain to try to play the part. The healthiest response is not apathy but an understanding that apart from God nothing matters.
I dislike a lot of things in my life right now, but who cares, this life is worthless anyway. All I know is that it's almost over in terms of eternity and I'm looking ahead. Put me through whatever crap you want, I'm looking to my home in the sky.
Is that Christian Image management or is it genuine? Well I still don't know yet, but at least its honest. Right?
Oh what folly us humans who try to understand God will face. God is so much more mysterious and all knowing than we can try to understand. Just accept it, he's there, he's doing what he's gonna do, we can be a part of it, run away, or pretend we are a part but all responses are folly. In the end, you can just be you and let God be God. Don't resist it, resist it, I don't care, I'm not judge, but I think i've finally found freedom.
I'm free to be me, free to not care what God thinks, while still trying to serve him. I'm living out things I think are good for me, values he's given me. Wow, it's late, I'm rambling.
I hope to God that people know suffering in this life. Especially all my "friends" I wish suffering upon you so you can see this life as crap. I"ve tried for so many years to cling to this life, see it as precious, and now I laugh. This life sucks! This world is full of broken people and I can't wait to get the fuck out of here. In the meantime, I'm gonna cling to the only good thing this world has ever known and see if I can bless other while I'm here because I know that beautiful being.
And finally we reach the conclusion. Suffering allows us to "have ears to hear and eyes to see". If you did Mark study, the disciple were stupid until they had to suffer. Have you ever noticed how "DUMB" the disciples were when Jesus was protecting them and how crazy powerful and wise they become once they are persecuted?
I hope that each and every one of you reading this feels suffering this week and that in that suffering you get to see a glimpse of God. Weird I know, but trust me, it's sooo much better on this side. I now sit in my suffering, laughing at how silly it all is. Why try to save this life, why not surrender it to God. Isn't that really the gospel anyway? Leaving the nets, jars, family behind and just go. Nothing is worth holding onto anyway.
Ok, that's all for now. Hope I didn't ruin your day. Remember it's 2 something AM and I'm not drunk so don't ask me "are you ok" or "what's going on" or none of that, I'm just being real. That's all I can be.
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| And boy do I need to get my shit together.
All week i've been sick, i got a cold sore, I missed out on awesome events because of the sickness, i'm loosing my job at the end of the week, I have been sleeping like a beast (totalled 16 hours in the daylight hours in the past week) and I've been very apathetic about everything.
hmm...I hope once I loose my job I can take time to fix things cuz everything feels out of whack. It's like when something is spinning very fast, then all of a sudden there is a slight change, little by little the spinning object goes crazy till it destroys itself, or at least its rotation.
i'm probably more like a propellor with a weight on one blade that is about to start destroying itself if I don't get things back in order.
step one, stop, breathe, and focus
step two, figure out a plan
step three, exercise for energy to deal with the chaos.
The fact that it's 2:30am and I have work tomorrow should probably be a sign things are not well. LIke I said, I need to get my shit together.
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| What a great weekend to Relax. Modesto, which has nothing to do, was the perfect place to get away from the complexity of life. Yet while relaxing with friends, I realized my life kind of sucks right now. I hate my job, I really am not feeling connected to people, and I struggle to find places I can relax.
Had I not had this weekend, I don't know what I would have done. I'm finally getting over my sickness, but now I got to deal with family, feeling alone, feeling useless, feeling broke, feeling all those bad feelings that I tried to get away from. They didn't go away, I just put them off. I'm so much more grateful for UCLA friends. I am grateful for high school friends, I am grateful for all the ways I do have places to go, even though that doesn't happen often enough.
I felt that had this weekend not happened, I'd probably have a meltdown. I hope to continue to grow closer to all my friends and learn to appreciate them for who they are more.
Thanks everyone. You are loved and appreciated.
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| I recently went to see the children of the night put on a great performance about their struggles and pain along with the joys and feelings of gratitude for the organization. One of the performances in particular touched me deeply and struck a chord with my soul because I think it captured an often overwhelming emotion.
"where do I fit in"...
this has been a question of my life...
As a child I hated my Latino side but was too Mexican to be white. I was not fully Latino and hated any inference that I was, I tried desperately to be accepted by the white "rich" kids who seemed to have the life I wanted. However they did not see me as one of their own, and neither did that Latino kids who I avoided.
..where did I fit in...
As a teen I studied hard yet made friends with the party animals. The partiers thought of me as a nerd who was dorky but good to have around as they needed someone to be "the smart one" to answer tough questions, yet I was not one of them.The smart kids were so concerned with grades and resumes that they never accepted me and I did not feel like them at all.
...where did I fit in...
As a young adult at UCLA I was an Urban Youth, trained to adapt to Suburban culture, emersed in Suburban culture, but still wholly Urban. I was not a kid raised by supportive parents, I was not the kid who did sports and fun activities, I was not the kid who traveled the world. That's not me. Yet I was not the Urbanite who had drug problems, baby mama drama, etc. I'm not that hard. So again I asked...
...where did I fit in...
As a growing follower of Jesus, I was no accustomed to growing up in a church, I did not understand the christian culture, my only culture was parties and hard living. I was drinking/smoking while praying and worshiping. I loved people with a genuine love, but also lead many students astray. I was both a sinner and a saint.
...where did I fit in...
As a staff worker, I was not part of the team, I was not familiar with Asian culture and how that played out on a team. I was not used to rigid structures and minimal fellowship time. I was a Latin Man with a "diverse" team of similars. I stood out like a sore thumb. I was not a part of that scene, I was not into the same things. I ministered in a different way and loved people beyond the rules suggestions. I cared too much and was too close, yet I was distant from my team. I was the popular lone ranger. I loved hanging with my students though I was not one myself, I had a hard tim haning with staff though I was one myself.
...where did I fit in...
As a post college, post staff, lover of Jesus I have found an Urban/Suburban church and I love it. However I've spent so much time away from the urban centers, I'm not fully Urban nor Suburban. I am not married nor engaged no in that life stage, yet I'm not a college student either. I'm in that place where post college is too old to be "one of the students" and too different to be one of the "couples/families/peers of marriages". I am in a place where there are few like me.
...where do I fit in...
In all the ways I don't fit in, I have recenlty discovered that these pains in my life of not belonging were necessary to point me to the truth of God. The truth of God which I am talking about is that He has always called me beloved. In my lonliness, in my isolation, in my feelings of being unknown, unloved, unnoticed...he never left me. He has loved me and it took me not fitting in anywhere, to force me back to the one place I not only fit in, I was designed for.
I realize now so much of my life thus far has been focused on discovering my "identity" who am I? Where do I fit in? these questions can only really be answered as we discover the beautiful gift it is to be a child of God. We don't fit in this world, because though we may be "IN" this world, we are not "OF" this world. Never have I felt that to be more true than I do right now. God may you be the only place I continue to fit in. May I never "fit in" with the world. I am begining to see how wise Solomon truly was when he said, all is vanity. You are the only thing that lasts and if I try to be anything other than who you made me to be, its vanity. there is no point asking where do I fit in, because there is only one answer, the question should not read where do I fit in, rather, it should say "HOW CAN I HEAR YOUR LOVING WORDS TELLING ME THAT YOUR LOVE IS ENOUGH?
Really, if we understood that we were loved so fully by God, I think life would look different. We would not need to prove ourselves, we would not need to impress the oposite gender, we would not need to hold a grudge or let others dictate our emotional state of being. If we really know that God the creator of all things loved us, we would live that out in the lives of everyone around us.
If we knew how much God loved us, we would know that the place we "fit in" is perfectly in his arms. That's what I want to understand more fully.
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